“I was disrupting to the class because I was too busy being a social butterfly,” were the words my English teacher used to describe me on my report card in high school. I am a human that thrives on human interaction, without it, I am like a butterfly who has lost her wings.
I was separated from my best friend when my parents moved us up north past Huntsville. That young popular girl’s life changed and for the next 20 years became one of struggling with loneliness. For some reason unknown to her that was her path in life. In college, it was because she studied too much, and received high grades, in University she didn’t have anything in common with her classmates, and at work it was more of the same.
The more outspoken I became, the less popular I was. It was not easy feeling invisible, and of no value to anyone. I wanted to matter to someone other than my sister, and my parents. The more years I spent alone the more depressed, and angry I got. I attracted temporary friends who betrayed me and men who only wanted to have fun.
My point is, I know all about those angry hostile outbursts at home in the shower, in the car, or in your room muffled under a pillow screaming and crying at the Universe because you don’t understand why you were put here filled with the ability and desire to love only to find yourself constantly isolated, and failing.
I know the reactions you get from people who think it’s your choice, or your fault, or better than the situation they are in. They think you can magically fix it and make love, a career, or friendship appear, but we all know that’s not true. The more bitter you get, the more self conscious you get, the less valuable you feel and that is not a recipe for attracting anyone in your life except leaches and narcissists who will toss you aside the second they suck the life, or money out of you.
“Why am I here?” If you knew how many times I’ve hit rock bottom then screamed out those words feeling so broken and stuck.
I read books, I watched cd’s, I wrote down my dreams, I made vision boards, I saw mediums, psychics, I repeated mantras, but nothing changed. I was living ground hog day for 20 years, and it was driving me mad, I tell you mad.
I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, well at least not someone like me, who needs human interaction. I don’t believe you can be your everything no matter how much you love yourself. What I did learn is you must keep working on being your best self so that when fate does finally show up at your door you’ve done the self awareness work you needed to do so you don’t mess up the friendship that arrives. Do the work you need to do, so you know how to appreciate any opportunity that comes your way that is related to your talents, rather than feeling entitled. We can always use self evaluation, and adjustments, on how we are doing at being a kind respectful, appreciative person.
I learned a lot by not having friends or a boyfriend for such a long period of time. I know people think it’s a right rather than a privilege to have people in their life and because of that they take those people for granted. You may take your shitty day out on them instead of bringing your best self home to the people you love, and what a waste that is to someone like me who can only dream of having someone to come home to.
My Dad was put here to teach my mom how to love, in return my mom loved him until they both passed. The fact that I had parents who taught me how to love unconditionally, made me a loving person yet because I had no one to share that love with I had become a person filled with hate. Why would that be my fate? I couldn’t understand it. I didn’t want to understand, it wasn’t fair, it was awful.
I was forced to continuously focus on myself, and observe how I interacted with people to figure out if it was all my fault. That also made me observe others which led me to become hyper aware of their flaws. That observation made me even more upset. Why did other imperfect humans have people but I didn’t?
I tried building a solo life that had meaning. I figured I would just pour myself into my work, but that didn’t happen either. I could not get a break on my career path.
I was about to publish a book, and started blogging. I was grieving the death of my parents and that blog audience became all I had. After eighteen months of that, and my book deal falling through, I felt I didn’t have anything left to share. Plus, I thought who cares what I have to say, so I stopped. But here and there over the next year or two people would ask me to start up again so I did, and that helped me feel like I had a bit of a purpose, but it wasn’t enough. After my parents were gone, I didn’t feel like I mattered to anyone in my physical life. It was clear that everyone would be just fine without me. I wanted to matter to someone but you can’t make that happen.
I poured my heart and soul into my posts on Facebook, and turned my passion for antiaging and wellness into an Instagram blog. I started to get BEST adjustments and I learned that I had a lot of fear, and negativity I needed to release.
I left my job after ten years leaving behind a very toxic environment, one year later I received a new publishing deal, two years later I received a message from my best friend that had disappeared from my life twenty-five years ago, and then I was asked to join Lakesh.
It’s not easy to accept divine right timing, trust me those 20 years were not easy. You will have weak moments on your journey, but that doesn’t mean you are a bad person who doesn’t deserve good in their life. Be aware of the signs that may come to you suggesting you take a different path, or perhaps signs that are leading you to awaken to the person you are meant to be. I was always kind but I was also selfish and I know that if success had come to me in the package I wanted at the young age I wished for I could easily have been a self entitled brat. I would much rather be a strong woman who has been called, “The defender of people,” A woman who tries not to take crap from anyone, someone who has integrity, self confidence, and strength. I am honored to be told I make people think with my Facebook discussions. If I can help people spend less time beating themselves up, less time feeling like they aren’t enough, and more time nurturing their own personal talents that would be a life that mattered and is worth waking up for. It wasn’t the dream I had for myself since I was a little girl, but it is one I am grateful for. Join me on this journey in which for the first time in two decades I’ve been given a reason to have faith that goods things are on their way. Often, we are asked to put our faith in someone speaking to us that is coming from a position of great success. That isn’t the case with me, maybe I was meant to help those like me who need to see each step of someone’s path towards creating a better life for themselves.
Books that helped Me discover Me:The Law of Attraction, The Secret, Body by God, Afformations, D Squared, any book by Dr. Morter, and cd’s by Sue Morter.