The What If Girl

Check out this book on Goodreads: The What If Girl https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43619245-the-what-if-girl

Loneliness almost swallowed me whole

“I was disrupting to the class because I was too busy being a social butterfly,” were the words my English teacher used to describe me on my report card in high school. I am a human that thrives on human interaction, without it, I am like a butterfly who has lost her wings.

I was separated from my best friend when my parents moved us up north past Huntsville. That young popular girl’s life changed and for the next 20 years became one of struggling with loneliness. For some reason unknown to her that was her path in life. In college, it was because she studied too much, and received high grades, in University she didn’t have anything in common with her classmates, and at work it was more of the same.

The more outspoken I became, the less popular I was. It was not easy feeling invisible, and of no value to anyone. I wanted to matter to someone other than my sister, and my parents. The more years I spent alone the more depressed, and angry I got. I attracted temporary friends who betrayed me and men who only wanted to have fun.

My point is, I know all about those angry hostile outbursts at home in the shower, in the car, or in your room muffled under a pillow screaming and crying at the Universe because you don’t understand why you were put here filled with the ability and desire to love only to find yourself constantly isolated, and failing.

I know the reactions you get from people who think it’s your choice, or your fault, or better than the situation they are in. They think you can magically fix it and make love, a career, or friendship appear, but we all know that’s not true. The more bitter you get, the more self conscious you get, the less valuable you feel and that is not a recipe for attracting anyone in your life except leaches and narcissists who will toss you aside the second they suck the life, or money out of you.

“Why am I here?” If you knew how many times I’ve hit rock bottom then screamed out those words feeling so broken and stuck.

I read books, I watched cd’s, I wrote down my dreams, I made vision boards, I saw mediums, psychics, I repeated mantras, but nothing changed. I was living ground hog day for 20 years, and it was driving me mad, I tell you mad.

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, well at least not someone like me, who needs human interaction. I don’t believe you can be your everything no matter how much you love yourself. What I did learn is you must keep working on being your best self so that when fate does finally show up at your door you’ve done the self awareness work you needed to do so you don’t mess up the friendship that arrives. Do the work you need to do, so you know how to appreciate any opportunity that comes your way that is related to your talents, rather than feeling entitled. We can always use self evaluation, and adjustments, on how we are doing at being a kind respectful, appreciative person.

I learned a lot by not having friends or a boyfriend for such a long period of time. I know people think it’s a right rather than a privilege to have people in their life and because of that they take those people for granted. You may take your shitty day out on them instead of bringing your best self home to the people you love, and what a waste that is to someone like me who can only dream of having someone to come home to.

My Dad was put here to teach my mom how to love, in return my mom loved him until they both passed. The fact that I had parents who taught me how to love unconditionally, made me a loving person yet because I had no one to share that love with I had become a person filled with hate. Why would that be my fate? I couldn’t understand it. I didn’t want to understand, it wasn’t fair, it was awful.

I was forced to continuously focus on myself, and observe how I interacted with people to figure out if it was all my fault. That also made me observe others which led me to become hyper aware of their flaws. That observation made me even more upset. Why did other imperfect humans have people but I didn’t?

I tried building a solo life that had meaning. I figured I would just pour myself into my work, but that didn’t happen either. I could not get a break on my career path.

I was about to publish a book, and started blogging. I was grieving the death of my parents and that blog audience became all I had. After eighteen months of that, and my book deal falling through, I felt I didn’t have anything left to share. Plus, I thought who cares what I have to say, so I stopped. But here and there over the next year or two people would ask me to start up again so I did, and that helped me feel like I had a bit of a purpose, but it wasn’t enough. After my parents were gone, I didn’t feel like I mattered to anyone in my physical life. It was clear that everyone would be just fine without me. I wanted to matter to someone but you can’t make that happen.

I poured my heart and soul into my posts on Facebook, and turned my passion for antiaging and wellness into an Instagram blog. I started to get BEST adjustments and I learned that I had a lot of fear, and negativity I needed to release.

I left my job after ten years leaving behind a very toxic environment, one year later I received a new publishing deal, two years later I received a message from my best friend that had disappeared from my life twenty-five years ago, and then I was asked to join Lakesh.

It’s not easy to accept divine right timing, trust me those 20 years were not easy. You will have weak moments on your journey, but that doesn’t mean you are a bad person who doesn’t deserve good in their life. Be aware of the signs that may come to you suggesting you take a different path, or perhaps signs that are leading you to awaken to the person you are meant to be. I was always kind but I was also selfish and I know that if success had come to me in the package I wanted at the young age I wished for I could easily have been a self entitled brat. I would much rather be a strong woman who has been called, “The defender of people,” A woman who tries not to take crap from anyone, someone who has integrity, self confidence, and strength. I am honored to be told I make people think with my Facebook discussions. If I can help people spend less time beating themselves up, less time feeling like they aren’t enough, and more time nurturing their own personal talents that would be a life that mattered and is worth waking up for. It wasn’t the dream I had for myself since I was a little girl, but it is one I am grateful for. Join me on this journey in which for the first time in two decades I’ve been given a reason to have faith that goods things are on their way. Often, we are asked to put our faith in someone speaking to us that is coming from a position of great success. That isn’t the case with me, maybe I was meant to help those like me who need to see each step of someone’s path towards creating a better life for themselves.

Books that helped Me discover Me:The Law of Attraction, The Secret, Body by God, Afformations, D Squared, any book by Dr. Morter, and cd’s by Sue Morter.

My Notes from Pastor’s Sermons

I’ve recently started learning about what it is to live a life of Faith, and prayer.

I listen to different Pastor’s online and on SiriusXM, I thought I’d share what stands out to me. I speak these over my life and listen to these messages every day. I hope it reaches someone in need of a savior. I know I needed this in my life, and it has helped me.

Joel Osteen message #691

DON’T RELY ON PEOPLE

If you stop looking to people for help, support, compliments, encouragement etc. and look only to God, your anointing will increase.

I think the you’ll experience a deeper closeness to God and you’ll get what you really need to feel whole if you look to Jesus to be your strength and comfort, instead of human beings.

My Tolerance is Low

I was contacted by someone I hadn’t seen in decades.

Over the past few years I’d heard several stories of widows and divorcees reconnecting with their high school sweetheart and they started dating.

I would search my mind for who that might be in my life to see if there was hope for my situation, which had been desolate for quite some time.

I couldn’t conjure up any real potential of that happening for me.

Then came the message response to one of my posts, which led to a conversation, which grew into three weeks of laughing on the phone every day and night. Wow could my quarter of a century of being single really be coming to an end.

He had this wonderful date planned out that turned into meeting him at a cheezy hotel after midnight. My gut was telling me not to go the whole way there.

See I often have this dispute about not settling and I never seem to get my point across it’s always shut down. I wonder if attractive men realize the whole world has decided they’re all assholes, and all women should settle.

I wonder if men are told the same about women.

That night was awkward, and kind of disgusting if I was to be brutally honest. My years of aloneness led me down the wrong path of not listening to my instincts.

Settling for me, has led to the most destructive relationships anyone could ever have, so I’ll take my chances on holding out for what I really want. You’ll never hear me tell anyone to do otherwise.

That person from my past was a mess and thought his lying was so clever that it insulted my intelligence. That being said I fear that my experiences with players is what gave me the confidence to call bullshit on all his nonsense.

I’m sure it didn’t hurt that I wanted him out of my life with all my heart. What about the next girl though, who might be even more vulnerable, and lonely? What if she doesn’t have the experience with liars, that I had, will she fall for his crap?

That’s why I wrote a book about this stuff.

The funny thing is he thought I had a very low tolerance for putting up with b.s., and today I realized my low tolerance isn’t even low enough because if I wasn’t so lonely he wouldn’t have been in my life five minutes after that stupid hotel reunion nevermind two months.

Don’t let people lie to you. It felt so good for the first time in my life to say to a liar,”I don’t believe a word you’re saying. I’ve decided you’re a liar, that you are lying and there is absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind.” And I was right!

Don’t ever let people tell you that you should tolerate stupid behavior. I’ve seen it, it doesn’t lead to happiness, it’s a life of putting up with stupid human behavior. A life of stupidity.

Find someone on a path of self awareness, hopefully one on a journey of living life with Christ.

Are you wondering, how much harder can you try? (My letter to Jesus)

I started this faith journey, like really trying to build a spiritual connection and relationship with God, Jesus, my maker.

Testimonies of profound experiences with God surrounded me.

I could understand the words I was hearing, but they weren’t altering my life, or were they?

There were moments during alter call when people who are anointed layed hands on me, that I felt the gap was bridged between me and Jesus. I would feel completely well, and healed. I’ve always been soulful, but I have been cut off from feeling my spirit for some time. I’m not sure if it was my fear of seeing spirits that developed when I was a little girl that caused it, or if it was my chronic illness. That illness made me more aware of human behavior, but it caused a disconnect between my mind, body, and spirit. I delved further into studying human behavior from a psychology and philosophy perspective, but intellectualising humanity certainly didn’t nurture any spiritual growth in me.

It was frustrating how difficult it was for me to reconnect with my spirit, and feel a connection to God.

Then came the pouring out of emotion at the alter in church, and while I was at home watching sermons on YouTube. Tears that I didn’t know were trapped inside me. Tears who’s origin I had no knowledge of, but they seemed endless.

Breaking down in front of the congregation made me feel vulnerable, even though no one was even watching. They were all laying their own hearts, and concerns at the alter for God. However, I still felt uncomfortable, and wanted so badly for this part of my walk with God to be done.

It made me hesitant to go to church some weeks. I wasn’t sure I was up for the emotional outpouring. I would leave feeling exhausted, and empty. Two states I was far too familiar with. I learned that emptying out all my past hurt was necessary, so that God could restore my mind, my heart, and my health, but it was not easy. Growing pains!

What did God want from me? What did Jesus want to do with me?

What was required in order to receive his council, love, promises, miracles, healing?

Then came the suggestion to read the story of JOB.

All this information, coaching, bible study, what was it amounting to, for me and my life?

Was it sinking in?

What could I do to ignite this holy spirit in me, to receive a blessing?

I started praying more often, and for longer periods of time. I was experiencing growth, so I thought.

I was excited to be able to spin again, even if it was only once a week.

I thought I was finally on the right path in life. Every day I prayed would be the day I would experience more breakthroughs in my health, and my career as an author.

I didn’t want to put God in a box. I was just trying to speak life into my situation. I needed help with my health, and my income, so I could put a roof over my head.

I had a major setback when I listened to advice to stop any treatment that was keeping me mobile, and leave it to God.

I was new I didn’t know who to take guidance from. But, I eventually went back to being treated by my chiropractor and my health slowly started improving. The healing in my spine was really making progress, but the rest of my symptoms remained.

Back to discovering the story of JOB. I couldn’t believe I was reading words of desperation in the bible that I’ve spoken myself. My darkest thoughts were there in print in this ancient book. I got stuck there in a very dark place with JOB’S words.

As everyone around me was tripping the light fantastic and posting it on Instagram, here I was at fifty-three alone taking all my worries to God, and very few things were changing.

Not being able to support myself was a huge concern, it’s embarrassing, and humiliating. I had no equity, no home, no retirement fund, because I’d been sick since I was eighteen, and that meant living day to day on whatever income I could make. I had no one to turn to for help, it was just me and God. I say that like it’s a bad thing, but I’m learning that I actually have the most powerful person in the universe on my side, guiding my steps.

I’m writing this today because there are people who need to hear from someone in this situation, at this age.

Because, I know what it’s like to not be able to imagine for a second anything getting better. I know what it’s like to be drowning in worry, and see no way out. To have tried your absolute hardest and to only know defeat. Was this going to be my ending? Was I just going to be this pathetic charity case, that people wished would go away, an unfixable burden?

I knew I wasn’t going to make it to church by the end of this week with JOB. I wasn’t up to putting on a fake smile of joy.

Fake it til you make it, was an expectation that followed me throughout this life. It was something I couldn’t sustain.

I needed more of God’s spirit.

Or

Maybe God wanted me to be in a position in which I had no one who could help, so I would learn to turn to him first. So I would learn to rely solely on his counsel, and learn how to receive direction from him. I needed to build a strong foundation in my relationship with Jesus.

Since I’d never had a strong connection to the spirit world, and I didn’t have a healthy fear of hell or God’s wrath it made this faith journey difficult for me. Being sensitive to receiving guidance from God was something I had no clue how to do.

Then it occurred to me why that might be.

My parents were my God. They were my strength, my rock, my love came from them, my counsel, my security, my peace. It was devastating when I lost them. My sister had been my sounding board, all my life, but she didn’t have the answers. It was not easy to try and replace the physical comfort and love I had from my parents, with a spiritual being.

My acupuncturist tried to comfort me when tears streamed down my cheeks from the grief I felt, and the fear I had from being alone to figure all this out. He said I was too good for this world, I was an angel. I certainly didn’t feel like an angel. (well maybe on my best days)

But….

Was I?

Were my wings clipped?

Because I was a brat?

Would I get them back?

Would a fallen angel do the things I did out of loneliness?

What is God’s purpose for me?

I’m convinced that I will be healed, that I will experience major breakthroughs in my career, and I will have a testimony that will rock the belief system in this world.

Thank you Jesus.

Do You Know What God Can Do?

33 years ago there were a few articles about Epstein Barr, CFS, Fibromyalgia, an invisible illness with many titles. I remember reading about a doctor, or nurse that had committed suicide over this illness, because they’d lost the ability to do anything other then sleep, and lay down.

I could tell you the endless things I’ve tried, and some helped keep me from being completely bedridden but nothing gave me my quality of life back.

In 2019 we have great access to people who express how we all feel, and how we all hear the same hurtful, frustrating responses to our situation.

There are so many people who offer help for a price. The funny thing about that is most people who have this can’t work so how can they afford your help.

If we grew up taking our worries to God and prayer and had experienced results from our Faith we would turn to Jesus and have understanding that there is something to be learned in this condition while we await healing.

If you didn’t grow up praying, you probably take your concerns to medical professionals or talk to friends. Both are not very effective with chronic illness, and prayer seems ridiculous to you. But, talking to people who can’t help seems ridiculous to believers, so who’s right?

The people being blessed and healed are the people I want to listen to and this advice you’re reading is free. My spine is in much better shape since I joined a Church. I continue to pray that I will be able to tell you very soon that I’m completely healthy, that my body has been restored to it’s youthful strength. I will never charge people, I will only share my truth and try to help.

I Wouldn’t Be Here Without You

33 years ago I was struck down in the prime of my life. I pushed through the illness, as best I could. Made it through College, University, my twenties, my thirties, but in my mid forties pushing through the chronic illness led to damage in my spine, and that caused a whole new boat load of sickness, pain, and symptoms that debilitated me. I was benched, I couldn’t work, couldn’t exercise, I could barely walk across the street most days.

I couldn’t believe things had gotten worse, after already struggling for 3 decades.

Someone very close to me all those years, has also suffered from this B.S. illness and had to deal with all the shitty treatment from people that comes with it. If I didn’t have that person all these years I don’t think I would’ve survived. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened to me or them if we didn’t have each other who believed us, and also understood how complicated and debilitating it is. It kinda makes me crazy that I’ve had to fight people’s attitude while I was fighting to survive.

I’ve recently turned to Jesus for help, and I can only think that this whole experience and the extensive effort I put into getting better without God that ended in failure, is going to be a healing testimony that I’ll be able to share that that will change thousands of lives. I believe God gave me that person to share this horrific experience with to get me through this, to be my witness of the truth that will come from this supernatural healing, because they are not a believer but when my healing comes we’ll see if that changes.

Truth

I’ve been sitting, praying, and waiting for the moment I could share with you a victorious story.

Then it occurred to me, that it might help some people if I share the journey, not just the destination.

Hopefully if you get to know me, you will trust and believe me.

Some of you do know my history. I’ve talked, and written about it. At this point, I think it’s important to make you a part of my story, so I don’t forget how far I’ve come.

One of my doctors had a severe disc injury, it was so bad her husband had to lift her off the toilet. She is a holy spirit filled Christian. It took a couple of years but she did recover. Her mother at 87 suffered the same injury, and couldn’t get out of bed, she completely lost her will to live, in time she too recovered. Both these women pray in tongues, yet it never occurred to them they were healed due to prayer. I don’t want to forget where I came from, and what God did for me.

For 18 months I was benched. I couldn’t exercise, I could barely walk, I worked 1 day a week for 5 hours, barely made it through that, then had to sit for 6 days to recover from that shift so I could do it again. I couldn’t push myself because my legs would buckle, the pain would increase to the point of me throwing up, and my spine would just give out. You can’t function if your spine is not intact. I was completely distraught. I had no idea how I was going to survive.

I started going to Church, a holy spirit filled church. In less then 1 year since I started praying, I’ve been able to work 2 days a week, and exercise 1 day a week. I know that may not sound like a miracle, but it is. I could barely lift my leg to put my pants on.

I have a lot of things I need help with in life, but now I’m not alone in figuring them out. This Church experience is better then any self help book, guru, or life coach you’ll ever find. Walk with Jesus and you’ll see change that you can’t make on your own. No human can bring you the same healing, advice, comfort, joy, peace, or opportunities.

I watched a preaching yesterday. The message was to Align yourself with God’s will, and God’s plan for you.

At the end the preacher shared his personal experience with putting this into practice. His marriage had fallen apart, his wife was messed up, she’d taken the kids, and it didn’t make sense but he spoke life into that situation. He made himself think good thoughts, God thoughts, and grateful thoughts. He had no hope but he had trust in God. He believed God had an assignment for him, and he stayed aligned with his marriage. One day 27 months later there she was at his door. They didn’t know it at the time, but they were both being healed, and restored by God when they were apart. Today they’ve experienced 18 years of married life together.

What do you do if you don’t know what God wants you to Align your life with?

I keep praying for a revelation on that.

I know my efforts have not worked, even though that goes against what society will dictate to you. Sometimes it’s true, that people really are trying hard in life.

When you ask God to align your life with God’s plan, and God’s promise, he can do something amazing.

Open your heart so God can lead you to his assignment and take you from the process to the promise.

I’ve been asking God to take away my hearts desire if it’s not congruent with his will. I asked him to replace it with his plan for me.

Last night I dreamt that Amazon Prime had turned my book into a movie and television show.

GOD IS MY CHIROPRACTOR

My life experience supports this scripture❤.

I made all kinds of plans, and goals, went after them with passion, hard work, and discipline, for decades.

I educated myself with books, College, and University. I traveled across Canada, and the USA trying to make a life for myself.

I was called weird for going to the movies by myself, was told so many times by employees at the mall, the coffee shop, and construction workers that they notice I’m always alone, 🙄 so embarrassing. To be called, “The Lonely Girl”, while using all the courage you have to walk down Ocean Drive alone on vacation, is unnerving.

I sought comfort, affection, a feeling of mattering to another human being in casual encounters, because I didn’t know why I was here, except to suffer it seemed.

I researched, and fought to find a cure for my chronic health issues. I dealt with so much ridicule, gossip, and arguing over something that challenged my every move.

I used to think I could help people, but all the advice needed, and often what we already hear, comes from one much wiser, and greater then man can ever be. Now I look for my answers, strength, and guidance in the bible.

You just need a great Apostolic bible group to help you see, and understand.

I’m still scared sometimes, but I’m still learning to grow in this faith journey.