My Notes from Pastor’s Sermons

I’ve recently started learning about what it is to live a life of Faith, and prayer.

I listen to different Pastor’s online and on SiriusXM, I thought I’d share what stands out to me. I speak these over my life and listen to these messages every day. I hope it reaches someone in need of a savior. I know I needed this in my life, and it has helped me.

Joel Osteen message #691

DON’T RELY ON PEOPLE

If you stop looking to people for help, support, compliments, encouragement etc. and look only to God, your anointing will increase.

I think the you’ll experience a deeper closeness to God and you’ll get what you really need to feel whole if you look to Jesus to be your strength and comfort, instead of human beings.

Are you wondering, how much harder can you try? (My letter to Jesus)

I started this faith journey, like really trying to build a spiritual connection and relationship with God, Jesus, my maker.

Testimonies of profound experiences with God surrounded me.

I could understand the words I was hearing, but they weren’t altering my life, or were they?

There were moments during alter call when people who are anointed layed hands on me, that I felt the gap was bridged between me and Jesus. I would feel completely well, and healed. I’ve always been soulful, but I have been cut off from feeling my spirit for some time. I’m not sure if it was my fear of seeing spirits that developed when I was a little girl that caused it, or if it was my chronic illness. That illness made me more aware of human behavior, but it caused a disconnect between my mind, body, and spirit. I delved further into studying human behavior from a psychology and philosophy perspective, but intellectualising humanity certainly didn’t nurture any spiritual growth in me.

It was frustrating how difficult it was for me to reconnect with my spirit, and feel a connection to God.

Then came the pouring out of emotion at the alter in church, and while I was at home watching sermons on YouTube. Tears that I didn’t know were trapped inside me. Tears who’s origin I had no knowledge of, but they seemed endless.

Breaking down in front of the congregation made me feel vulnerable, even though no one was even watching. They were all laying their own hearts, and concerns at the alter for God. However, I still felt uncomfortable, and wanted so badly for this part of my walk with God to be done.

It made me hesitant to go to church some weeks. I wasn’t sure I was up for the emotional outpouring. I would leave feeling exhausted, and empty. Two states I was far too familiar with. I learned that emptying out all my past hurt was necessary, so that God could restore my mind, my heart, and my health, but it was not easy. Growing pains!

What did God want from me? What did Jesus want to do with me?

What was required in order to receive his council, love, promises, miracles, healing?

Then came the suggestion to read the story of JOB.

All this information, coaching, bible study, what was it amounting to, for me and my life?

Was it sinking in?

What could I do to ignite this holy spirit in me, to receive a blessing?

I started praying more often, and for longer periods of time. I was experiencing growth, so I thought.

I was excited to be able to spin again, even if it was only once a week.

I thought I was finally on the right path in life. Every day I prayed would be the day I would experience more breakthroughs in my health, and my career as an author.

I didn’t want to put God in a box. I was just trying to speak life into my situation. I needed help with my health, and my income, so I could put a roof over my head.

I had a major setback when I listened to advice to stop any treatment that was keeping me mobile, and leave it to God.

I was new I didn’t know who to take guidance from. But, I eventually went back to being treated by my chiropractor and my health slowly started improving. The healing in my spine was really making progress, but the rest of my symptoms remained.

Back to discovering the story of JOB. I couldn’t believe I was reading words of desperation in the bible that I’ve spoken myself. My darkest thoughts were there in print in this ancient book. I got stuck there in a very dark place with JOB’S words.

As everyone around me was tripping the light fantastic and posting it on Instagram, here I was at fifty-three alone taking all my worries to God, and very few things were changing.

Not being able to support myself was a huge concern, it’s embarrassing, and humiliating. I had no equity, no home, no retirement fund, because I’d been sick since I was eighteen, and that meant living day to day on whatever income I could make. I had no one to turn to for help, it was just me and God. I say that like it’s a bad thing, but I’m learning that I actually have the most powerful person in the universe on my side, guiding my steps.

I’m writing this today because there are people who need to hear from someone in this situation, at this age.

Because, I know what it’s like to not be able to imagine for a second anything getting better. I know what it’s like to be drowning in worry, and see no way out. To have tried your absolute hardest and to only know defeat. Was this going to be my ending? Was I just going to be this pathetic charity case, that people wished would go away, an unfixable burden?

I knew I wasn’t going to make it to church by the end of this week with JOB. I wasn’t up to putting on a fake smile of joy.

Fake it til you make it, was an expectation that followed me throughout this life. It was something I couldn’t sustain.

I needed more of God’s spirit.

Or

Maybe God wanted me to be in a position in which I had no one who could help, so I would learn to turn to him first. So I would learn to rely solely on his counsel, and learn how to receive direction from him. I needed to build a strong foundation in my relationship with Jesus.

Since I’d never had a strong connection to the spirit world, and I didn’t have a healthy fear of hell or God’s wrath it made this faith journey difficult for me. Being sensitive to receiving guidance from God was something I had no clue how to do.

Then it occurred to me why that might be.

My parents were my God. They were my strength, my rock, my love came from them, my counsel, my security, my peace. It was devastating when I lost them. My sister had been my sounding board, all my life, but she didn’t have the answers. It was not easy to try and replace the physical comfort and love I had from my parents, with a spiritual being.

My acupuncturist tried to comfort me when tears streamed down my cheeks from the grief I felt, and the fear I had from being alone to figure all this out. He said I was too good for this world, I was an angel. I certainly didn’t feel like an angel. (well maybe on my best days)

But….

Was I?

Were my wings clipped?

Because I was a brat?

Would I get them back?

Would a fallen angel do the things I did out of loneliness?

What is God’s purpose for me?

I’m convinced that I will be healed, that I will experience major breakthroughs in my career, and I will have a testimony that will rock the belief system in this world.

Thank you Jesus.

Truth

I’ve been sitting, praying, and waiting for the moment I could share with you a victorious story.

Then it occurred to me, that it might help some people if I share the journey, not just the destination.

Hopefully if you get to know me, you will trust and believe me.

Some of you do know my history. I’ve talked, and written about it. At this point, I think it’s important to make you a part of my story, so I don’t forget how far I’ve come.

One of my doctors had a severe disc injury, it was so bad her husband had to lift her off the toilet. She is a holy spirit filled Christian. It took a couple of years but she did recover. Her mother at 87 suffered the same injury, and couldn’t get out of bed, she completely lost her will to live, in time she too recovered. Both these women pray in tongues, yet it never occurred to them they were healed due to prayer. I don’t want to forget where I came from, and what God did for me.

For 18 months I was benched. I couldn’t exercise, I could barely walk, I worked 1 day a week for 5 hours, barely made it through that, then had to sit for 6 days to recover from that shift so I could do it again. I couldn’t push myself because my legs would buckle, the pain would increase to the point of me throwing up, and my spine would just give out. You can’t function if your spine is not intact. I was completely distraught. I had no idea how I was going to survive.

I started going to Church, a holy spirit filled church. In less then 1 year since I started praying, I’ve been able to work 2 days a week, and exercise 1 day a week. I know that may not sound like a miracle, but it is. I could barely lift my leg to put my pants on.

I have a lot of things I need help with in life, but now I’m not alone in figuring them out. This Church experience is better then any self help book, guru, or life coach you’ll ever find. Walk with Jesus and you’ll see change that you can’t make on your own. No human can bring you the same healing, advice, comfort, joy, peace, or opportunities.

I watched a preaching yesterday. The message was to Align yourself with God’s will, and God’s plan for you.

At the end the preacher shared his personal experience with putting this into practice. His marriage had fallen apart, his wife was messed up, she’d taken the kids, and it didn’t make sense but he spoke life into that situation. He made himself think good thoughts, God thoughts, and grateful thoughts. He had no hope but he had trust in God. He believed God had an assignment for him, and he stayed aligned with his marriage. One day 27 months later there she was at his door. They didn’t know it at the time, but they were both being healed, and restored by God when they were apart. Today they’ve experienced 18 years of married life together.

What do you do if you don’t know what God wants you to Align your life with?

I keep praying for a revelation on that.

I know my efforts have not worked, even though that goes against what society will dictate to you. Sometimes it’s true, that people really are trying hard in life.

When you ask God to align your life with God’s plan, and God’s promise, he can do something amazing.

Open your heart so God can lead you to his assignment and take you from the process to the promise.

I’ve been asking God to take away my hearts desire if it’s not congruent with his will. I asked him to replace it with his plan for me.

Last night I dreamt that Amazon Prime had turned my book into a movie and television show.

THE WHAT IF GIRL

“I grew up in a few towns and cities in Ontario, Canada. I think that makes me a hybrid. I’m a small town/city girl.

After my sister’s daughter started dating she fell into the same unhealthy patterns of falling for Players, as I had. My sister would call me for advice frequently, and to my surprise all the experiences I had made me quite an expert on how to detect player behavior, and when to walk away.

At the time I was pursuing acting, and working as a waitress, so in turn I would call my sister to vent about my ridiculous day serving the public. Due to these two scenarios my sister started telling me to write a book.

After six years of her harassing me to write, because she believed I had great advice and funny stories, I decided to poor my heart into a novel, and give my sister’s ear a rest.

My book, “The What If Girl”, turned into a story about a woman navigating through two decades of being single. Some of the stories I shared were to create awareness about the reason behind choices I made. I developed a live in the moment attitude towards life, and made risky decisions to escape the chronic pain I’d been coping with throughout those years. Sometimes it was the isolation I felt that influenced my choices, and then there was the emotional rollercoaster ride of grief.

These journey’s include Houston, Atlanta, Miami, Toronto, athletes, even a P.I. In this life journey I take you behind the scene’s of dealing with chronic illness, judgement, adult bullying, and grief. A woman who was just trying to find a way to survive, looking for a purpose in life, and a reason behind the solitude she kept finding herself in.

Welcome to The”What If”Girl

Some people who have “everything” their heart desires still experience a feeling of emptiness inside. I wonder if that is a calling to your spirit to seek something beyond the physical and material life we are living?

EMPOWER YOURSELF

I was consumed with wanting everyone to like me. I came to this realization years ago when I was in a play. One of the actors in the cast of this production was being very rude, and difficult with me, for no reason. I was hurt, so I mentioned it to my voice coach and he asked me this,
“Do you like this woman?”

Of course my answer was no, because she wasn’t a nice person.

“Then why do you care if someone you don’t like or respect, doesn’t like you?”, was his reply.

That simple interaction, changed me, it empowered me.

Twenty year old me thought about that question for a few days, then I realized my answer was, “I don’t “.

From that moment on I was freed from caring about being accepted by people, who don’t treat me with respect. This doesn’t mean I went around acting horribly, because I didn’t care what people thought of me. It meant, I wasn’t bound by the approval of those who were not kind. I spoke my mind, instead of allowing people to walk all over me. I didn’t flirt with men I didn’t want to flirt with, a behavior I must say, that is not well received.

It was not an easy path to embark on, I kind of became a lone wolf when I chose to live this way. It’s been an eye opening experience to see that people who behave horribly, don’t think anyone has the right to tell them not to. The men I worked with didn’t like being told they can’t say perverted things to me, or about me. Society isn’t comfortable when someone doesn’t conform to what they’re used to.

Part of my new behavior also incorporated something I’d read, “Teach people how to treat you.” My mom argued with me about this one. She said, “You can’t control what people say, or tell them what they can and cannot say to you.”

I did not go up against my mom very often, throughout my life. Mostly because there wasn’t any reason to. But also because, she was strong willed, sometimes a little scary, and I respected her.

But this was one of those times I did, and it actually helped my relationship with my parents.

My answer to my mom was, “Yes I can!”

Now, if you’ve ever been in a theater production, or worked in the restaurant industry you know they are both full of drama, and sexual harassment. Neither men nor women in those industries like being told what they can’t say, or what tone you won’t tolerate being spoken to in. Once I reached my forties, I was done pretending it was okay for people to instigate crass sexual exchanges with me at work. It was a constant battle, that often resulted in me being alienated, but I didn’t care. Well I did, but I didn’t. Being true to who I wanted to be, and how I wanted to be treated was more important to me, than playing the role they wanted me to play.

You can be nice all the time, bend over backwards for people, and still be crucified. I didn’t want to be that person anymore.

The words we speak are received whether it’s to someone’s face, behind their back, heard around a corner, or simply sent out into the universal energy. Yet it seems that no one wants to suffer the consequences of the words they speak, or the actions they choose. It puzzles me why some people can’t see how they are the source of their issues. If you experience the same undesirable conditions no matter where you go, you should spend time observing your behavior. I try to, and I realize constantly that I can always improve how I communicate. There is always something you can learn about yourself that you can change, to help improve your circumstances. Of course certain environments are more toxic than others. I’m not placing the blame on you, I’m suggesting self awareness can help everyone. I am however, encouraging people to stop tolerating the abusive behaviour from those of you who are wicked. But, I’m mostly speaking to the people who feel victimized. Find a way to empower yourself. A way that will improve how you feel about yourself, and your journey in this life.

Find the strength to stand up for your rights, and demand to be treated properly.

Don’t follow the crowd.

Hopefully you will be blessed enough to have good people awaken your strength, as I have throughout my life.

There were also several books that helped me see the flaws I wasn’t aware of. They were like having a mirror that revealed the parts of me I needed to work on.

Here is my reading list; “The Law of Attraction”, series by Esther Hicks, Joseph Benner “The Way of The Impersonal Life, Louise L. Hay, “You Can Heal Your Life”, Ben Lerner, “Body By God”.

And a wonderful group of people at an Apostolic Christian Church.

Finding Faith

Stop your jibber jabbering! I’m not sure where I learned that term. I think I heard it from my Father, when I was growing up. I remember my Dad’s lack of patience for nonsense talk. We didn’t share many interests, but we did share that intolerance. I learned honesty from both my parents, my deep introspection comes from my Dad, and we all seem to share a similar sense of a humor.

I was one of those teenage girls who was focused on friends, partying, sports, and boys. Those aren’t things that bring a father and daughter together. I was not a big fan of gossip, that’s something I’m grateful for. I thank my parents, and God for any good qualities I have. My Dad’s interests were sports, politics, and the economy. My interests as a young woman became acting, studying human behavior, finding true love, Miami, and alternative medicine. We both loved boating, and being on the water. My Father was a man of few words, sometimes I see that in myself.

This is what I’m reflecting on as I sit here reading “The Four Agreements.” I’m really trying to take in what being impeccable with my word means. As I work on developing this new way of communicating, I realize I don’t have much to talk about when asked to only speak truth that won’t be harmful to myself. I have no problem with the truth part of that request. My issue is speaking my truth can only harm me right now. It has caused me to cease most of my communication for the time being.

I can come across as someone who doesn’t seem interested in listening to other people speak. The truth is, I’m not interested in listening to liars, or people who embellish the truth. Which brings me to today, and my experience joining LifeChurch. I’ve never felt so blessed to hear a person’s life story. Each time someone shares their journey to becoming an Apostolic Christian, I’m completely captivated. They have my undivided attention, as they share the intimate details of that part of their life. That’s a book I wish I could publish. It’s incredible how different yet equally interesting the details are about each person’s journey to Jesus. That’s how I know I’m hearing the truth, because my brain that detects lies and tunes out never kicks in when I’m hearing these stories. There are people who question God’s existence, I don’t think I’m in a position to have that argument, as of yet. I do know that for the believers I’ve met it’s not a maybe whether God exists, they are one hundred percent certain. You can’t say they’re insane. To anyone who doesn’t believe, I would say it’s because God has not revealed himself to you, you’ve missed or ignored the signs, or maybe he never will, but that doesn’t mean his existence is up for debate.

#faith #lifechurch #jesus