The What If Girl

Check out this book on Goodreads: The What If Girl https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43619245-the-what-if-girl

My Notes from Pastor’s Sermons

I’ve recently started learning about what it is to live a life of Faith, and prayer.

I listen to different Pastor’s online and on SiriusXM, I thought I’d share what stands out to me. I speak these over my life and listen to these messages every day. I hope it reaches someone in need of a savior. I know I needed this in my life, and it has helped me.

Joel Osteen message #691

DON’T RELY ON PEOPLE

If you stop looking to people for help, support, compliments, encouragement etc. and look only to God, your anointing will increase.

I think the you’ll experience a deeper closeness to God and you’ll get what you really need to feel whole if you look to Jesus to be your strength and comfort, instead of human beings.

My Tolerance is Low

I was contacted by someone I hadn’t seen in decades.

Over the past few years I’d heard several stories of widows and divorcees reconnecting with their high school sweetheart and they started dating.

I would search my mind for who that might be in my life to see if there was hope for my situation, which had been desolate for quite some time.

I couldn’t conjure up any real potential of that happening for me.

Then came the message response to one of my posts, which led to a conversation, which grew into three weeks of laughing on the phone every day and night. Wow could my quarter of a century of being single really be coming to an end.

He had this wonderful date planned out that turned into meeting him at a cheezy hotel after midnight. My gut was telling me not to go the whole way there.

See I often have this dispute about not settling and I never seem to get my point across it’s always shut down. I wonder if attractive men realize the whole world has decided they’re all assholes, and all women should settle.

I wonder if men are told the same about women.

That night was awkward, and kind of disgusting if I was to be brutally honest. My years of aloneness led me down the wrong path of not listening to my instincts.

Settling for me, has led to the most destructive relationships anyone could ever have, so I’ll take my chances on holding out for what I really want. You’ll never hear me tell anyone to do otherwise.

That person from my past was a mess and thought his lying was so clever that it insulted my intelligence. That being said I fear that my experiences with players is what gave me the confidence to call bullshit on all his nonsense.

I’m sure it didn’t hurt that I wanted him out of my life with all my heart. What about the next girl though, who might be even more vulnerable, and lonely? What if she doesn’t have the experience with liars, that I had, will she fall for his crap?

That’s why I wrote a book about this stuff.

The funny thing is he thought I had a very low tolerance for putting up with b.s., and today I realized my low tolerance isn’t even low enough because if I wasn’t so lonely he wouldn’t have been in my life five minutes after that stupid hotel reunion nevermind two months.

Don’t let people lie to you. It felt so good for the first time in my life to say to a liar,”I don’t believe a word you’re saying. I’ve decided you’re a liar, that you are lying and there is absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind.” And I was right!

Don’t ever let people tell you that you should tolerate stupid behavior. I’ve seen it, it doesn’t lead to happiness, it’s a life of putting up with stupid human behavior. A life of stupidity.

Find someone on a path of self awareness, hopefully one on a journey of living life with Christ.

Are you wondering, how much harder can you try? (My letter to Jesus)

I started this faith journey, like really trying to build a spiritual connection and relationship with God, Jesus, my maker.

Testimonies of profound experiences with God surrounded me.

I could understand the words I was hearing, but they weren’t altering my life, or were they?

There were moments during alter call when people who are anointed layed hands on me, that I felt the gap was bridged between me and Jesus. I would feel completely well, and healed. I’ve always been soulful, but I have been cut off from feeling my spirit for some time. I’m not sure if it was my fear of seeing spirits that developed when I was a little girl that caused it, or if it was my chronic illness. That illness made me more aware of human behavior, but it caused a disconnect between my mind, body, and spirit. I delved further into studying human behavior from a psychology and philosophy perspective, but intellectualising humanity certainly didn’t nurture any spiritual growth in me.

It was frustrating how difficult it was for me to reconnect with my spirit, and feel a connection to God.

Then came the pouring out of emotion at the alter in church, and while I was at home watching sermons on YouTube. Tears that I didn’t know were trapped inside me. Tears who’s origin I had no knowledge of, but they seemed endless.

Breaking down in front of the congregation made me feel vulnerable, even though no one was even watching. They were all laying their own hearts, and concerns at the alter for God. However, I still felt uncomfortable, and wanted so badly for this part of my walk with God to be done.

It made me hesitant to go to church some weeks. I wasn’t sure I was up for the emotional outpouring. I would leave feeling exhausted, and empty. Two states I was far too familiar with. I learned that emptying out all my past hurt was necessary, so that God could restore my mind, my heart, and my health, but it was not easy. Growing pains!

What did God want from me? What did Jesus want to do with me?

What was required in order to receive his council, love, promises, miracles, healing?

Then came the suggestion to read the story of JOB.

All this information, coaching, bible study, what was it amounting to, for me and my life?

Was it sinking in?

What could I do to ignite this holy spirit in me, to receive a blessing?

I started praying more often, and for longer periods of time. I was experiencing growth, so I thought.

I was excited to be able to spin again, even if it was only once a week.

I thought I was finally on the right path in life. Every day I prayed would be the day I would experience more breakthroughs in my health, and my career as an author.

I didn’t want to put God in a box. I was just trying to speak life into my situation. I needed help with my health, and my income, so I could put a roof over my head.

I had a major setback when I listened to advice to stop any treatment that was keeping me mobile, and leave it to God.

I was new I didn’t know who to take guidance from. But, I eventually went back to being treated by my chiropractor and my health slowly started improving. The healing in my spine was really making progress, but the rest of my symptoms remained.

Back to discovering the story of JOB. I couldn’t believe I was reading words of desperation in the bible that I’ve spoken myself. My darkest thoughts were there in print in this ancient book. I got stuck there in a very dark place with JOB’S words.

As everyone around me was tripping the light fantastic and posting it on Instagram, here I was at fifty-three alone taking all my worries to God, and very few things were changing.

Not being able to support myself was a huge concern, it’s embarrassing, and humiliating. I had no equity, no home, no retirement fund, because I’d been sick since I was eighteen, and that meant living day to day on whatever income I could make. I had no one to turn to for help, it was just me and God. I say that like it’s a bad thing, but I’m learning that I actually have the most powerful person in the universe on my side, guiding my steps.

I’m writing this today because there are people who need to hear from someone in this situation, at this age.

Because, I know what it’s like to not be able to imagine for a second anything getting better. I know what it’s like to be drowning in worry, and see no way out. To have tried your absolute hardest and to only know defeat. Was this going to be my ending? Was I just going to be this pathetic charity case, that people wished would go away, an unfixable burden?

I knew I wasn’t going to make it to church by the end of this week with JOB. I wasn’t up to putting on a fake smile of joy.

Fake it til you make it, was an expectation that followed me throughout this life. It was something I couldn’t sustain.

I needed more of God’s spirit.

Or

Maybe God wanted me to be in a position in which I had no one who could help, so I would learn to turn to him first. So I would learn to rely solely on his counsel, and learn how to receive direction from him. I needed to build a strong foundation in my relationship with Jesus.

Since I’d never had a strong connection to the spirit world, and I didn’t have a healthy fear of hell or God’s wrath it made this faith journey difficult for me. Being sensitive to receiving guidance from God was something I had no clue how to do.

Then it occurred to me why that might be.

My parents were my God. They were my strength, my rock, my love came from them, my counsel, my security, my peace. It was devastating when I lost them. My sister had been my sounding board, all my life, but she didn’t have the answers. It was not easy to try and replace the physical comfort and love I had from my parents, with a spiritual being.

My acupuncturist tried to comfort me when tears streamed down my cheeks from the grief I felt, and the fear I had from being alone to figure all this out. He said I was too good for this world, I was an angel. I certainly didn’t feel like an angel. (well maybe on my best days)

But….

Was I?

Were my wings clipped?

Because I was a brat?

Would I get them back?

Would a fallen angel do the things I did out of loneliness?

What is God’s purpose for me?

I’m convinced that I will be healed, that I will experience major breakthroughs in my career, and I will have a testimony that will rock the belief system in this world.

Thank you Jesus.

Do You Know What God Can Do?

33 years ago there were a few articles about Epstein Barr, CFS, Fibromyalgia, an invisible illness with many titles. I remember reading about a doctor, or nurse that had committed suicide over this illness, because they’d lost the ability to do anything other then sleep, and lay down.

I could tell you the endless things I’ve tried, and some helped keep me from being completely bedridden but nothing gave me my quality of life back.

In 2019 we have great access to people who express how we all feel, and how we all hear the same hurtful, frustrating responses to our situation.

There are so many people who offer help for a price. The funny thing about that is most people who have this can’t work so how can they afford your help.

If we grew up taking our worries to God and prayer and had experienced results from our Faith we would turn to Jesus and have understanding that there is something to be learned in this condition while we await healing.

If you didn’t grow up praying, you probably take your concerns to medical professionals or talk to friends. Both are not very effective with chronic illness, and prayer seems ridiculous to you. But, talking to people who can’t help seems ridiculous to believers, so who’s right?

The people being blessed and healed are the people I want to listen to and this advice you’re reading is free. My spine is in much better shape since I joined a Church. I continue to pray that I will be able to tell you very soon that I’m completely healthy, that my body has been restored to it’s youthful strength. I will never charge people, I will only share my truth and try to help.

I watched a preaching yesterday. The message was to Align yourself with God’s will, and God’s plan for you.

At the end the preacher shared his personal experience with putting this into practice. His marriage had fallen apart, his wife was messed up, she’d taken the kids, and it didn’t make sense but he spoke life into that situation. He made himself think good thoughts, God thoughts, and grateful thoughts. He had no hope but he had trust in God. He believed God had an assignment for him, and he stayed aligned with his marriage. One day 27 months later there she was at his door. They didn’t know it at the time, but they were both being healed, and restored by God when they were apart. Today they’ve experienced 18 years of married life together.

What do you do if you don’t know what God wants you to Align your life with?

I keep praying for a revelation on that.

I know my efforts have not worked, even though that goes against what society will dictate to you. Sometimes it’s true, that people really are trying hard in life.

When you ask God to align your life with God’s plan, and God’s promise, he can do something amazing.

Open your heart so God can lead you to his assignment and take you from the process to the promise.

I’ve been asking God to take away my hearts desire if it’s not congruent with his will. I asked him to replace it with his plan for me.

Last night I dreamt that Amazon Prime had turned my book into a movie and television show.

GOD IS MY CHIROPRACTOR

My life experience supports this scripture❤.

I made all kinds of plans, and goals, went after them with passion, hard work, and discipline, for decades.

I educated myself with books, College, and University. I traveled across Canada, and the USA trying to make a life for myself.

I was called weird for going to the movies by myself, was told so many times by employees at the mall, the coffee shop, and construction workers that they notice I’m always alone, 🙄 so embarrassing. To be called, “The Lonely Girl”, while using all the courage you have to walk down Ocean Drive alone on vacation, is unnerving.

I sought comfort, affection, a feeling of mattering to another human being in casual encounters, because I didn’t know why I was here, except to suffer it seemed.

I researched, and fought to find a cure for my chronic health issues. I dealt with so much ridicule, gossip, and arguing over something that challenged my every move.

I used to think I could help people, but all the advice needed, and often what we already hear, comes from one much wiser, and greater then man can ever be. Now I look for my answers, strength, and guidance in the bible.

You just need a great Apostolic bible group to help you see, and understand.

I’m still scared sometimes, but I’m still learning to grow in this faith journey.

Finding God&Apostolic Christianity

I’m not sure if they will ever know how much it means to me, that I feel wanted. For so many years, I felt like my presence in this world didn’t matter.

I am so thankful for the people at my Church, both for the moments they’ve prayed for me, and for the life changing moments they’ve prayed at the altar with me.

I’m grateful for their comforting embrace, and for the times they gently reached out and touched my hand when tears welled up in my eyes during service.

Christianity was presented to me several times throughout my life, but I pushed it away. I thought I was being targeted because I seemed weak.

Even though I thought I didn’t need to go to Church, or need a stronger relationship with God, each one of those people who approached me throughout my life was a gift, because they left a strong impression on me on what being a Christian meant.

It is because of those encounters that I learned that Christians are kind and helpful in a time of need.

They aren’t just practicing sin,

repent

and repeat.

When I was in trouble, I knew I could turn to a Christian person and they would do whatever they could to help me.

I’m sharing this, because I want both Christian and non-Christians to know the impact they’ve had on someone’s life.

You may not be there to witness the moment the person you spoke kindly to about God, finds God, but it’s important for all of you out there spreading God’s word to know that it could be: your behavior,

your faith,

your act of kindness,

your peacefulness,

your words that saves someone’s life, down the road.

The physical illness I’ve had since I was 18 made me a fighter, but it also has defeated me in this life.

When I was diagnosed with a terminal illness earlier this year, it was a relief. Someone asked me to come to church so their congregation could pray for me, but the truth is, I didn’t want them to, because I was relieved when I received that news. Finally, my years of suffering would be over.

When it ended up being a mistake,

I was devastated.

I didn’t know how I was going to get through this life with the chronic illness I’d been battling for thirty-two years. For the first time in twenty years, I had Sunday’s off, due to that diagnosis, and since this kind lady was still inviting me to come with her to church, I thought,

maybe it was time to give God a try.

I believe that God took away any distraction, or obstacle in my life for a reason.

I met Tara for the first time for coffee.

I instantly noticed she spoke with a purpose.

She was there to deliver a message to me.

She had a peacefulness and kindness, that was palpable in the air that surrounded us.

Spending time with her made me more aware of the words I speak and how important it is to speak life into everything.

To speak the result, not what we see. That’s what Jesus did, when he performed his miracles.

Over the past few months, I’ve been blessed to hear so many amazing testimonies from the people who go to this church.

Hearing how God came into their life, has changed my life.

One of the first things I prayed to God for, after I started attending, was to let my parents tell me he was real, because they were the people that I trusted most in this world.

A week later, God used a member of the church as a vessel to deliver a message to me. It wasn’t only the message that they received that touched me, it was the fact that it was delivered to them while they were out of town in a small city close to where my mom was born. Somewhere that is not a popular travel destination, Regina, Saskatchewan.

It’s the people at LifeChurch, all of them, they are the reason I have faith.

I believe God is going to use those decades I suffered to give me a powerful testimony so that I can use it to help save other people’s lives.

Only God can restore hope, if you feel hopeless, turn to Jesus, because his promise is, your life will be transformed.

It didn’t matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn’t improve my circumstances, or get well without God.

People could tell me to feel grateful for what I did have, even though I had health issues, which caused financial difficulties, but I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. I was

angry,
depressed,

in alot of pain, and I felt

hopeless.

I have only recently found myself experiencing genuine moments of gratitude, and

I know I never would have gotten there if I hadn’t come to such a wonderful place of worship.

I was wandering aimlessly through life praying to God for a purpose but nothing was happening. Now, I have hope that God is going to show up, and reveal my purpose to me, and I believe it will save people from the same desperate pain, that I was in.

The kind words, acceptance, and worshipping of Jesus, that everyone has shown me at this Church, is beautiful. That’s what love should look like.

Our Pastor Steve’s honesty, and powerful service brings life to this church. He and his team deliver Gods presence. Our church is alive with Gods presence.

Pastor and his family have cultivated an amazing church family that we are all thankful for.

This group of people has been brought together for a purpose.

Having all of them guiding my prayer at the altar

is saving my life right now.

I’ve driven to church and to church conferences in so much pain, feeling so ill that I almost had to leave during service, but I stayed. When I went to the altar at the end, people put their hands on me and prayed, and I felt complete wellness overtake the sickness, and pain in my body.

I’ve gone home and danced around at times because I felt so good.

Thank you, Jesus!

I tried life without God and I was like a hamster on a wheel. When God’s timing is right, I believe He will completely heal me.

In a world where I see so much pain, anger, and stress on people’s faces, it is such a blessing to see God’s joy, and peacefullness shining through the people I get to attend service with every Sunday. God is using them to deliver peace, hope, joy, and healing to people like me, who are in desperate need of that.

I still have to remind myself that’s my responsibility now….

to be aware of how I present myself out in the world.

I have to pray to God to help me to become that vessel who people meet and say,”Wow what a kind, peaceful person.

How did you get like that? I want that.”

And I will say, well let me tell you my story…

THE WHAT IF GIRL

“I grew up in a few towns and cities in Ontario, Canada. I think that makes me a hybrid. I’m a small town/city girl.

After my sister’s daughter started dating she fell into the same unhealthy patterns of falling for Players, as I had. My sister would call me for advice frequently, and to my surprise all the experiences I had made me quite an expert on how to detect player behavior, and when to walk away.

At the time I was pursuing acting, and working as a waitress, so in turn I would call my sister to vent about my ridiculous day serving the public. Due to these two scenarios my sister started telling me to write a book.

After six years of her harassing me to write, because she believed I had great advice and funny stories, I decided to poor my heart into a novel, and give my sister’s ear a rest.

My book, “The What If Girl”, turned into a story about a woman navigating through two decades of being single. Some of the stories I shared were to create awareness about the reason behind choices I made. I developed a live in the moment attitude towards life, and made risky decisions to escape the chronic pain I’d been coping with throughout those years. Sometimes it was the isolation I felt that influenced my choices, and then there was the emotional rollercoaster ride of grief.

These journey’s include Houston, Atlanta, Miami, Toronto, athletes, even a P.I. In this life journey I take you behind the scene’s of dealing with chronic illness, judgement, adult bullying, and grief. A woman who was just trying to find a way to survive, looking for a purpose in life, and a reason behind the solitude she kept finding herself in.

Welcome to The”What If”Girl

Some people who have “everything” their heart desires still experience a feeling of emptiness inside. I wonder if that is a calling to your spirit to seek something beyond the physical and material life we are living?

TO ANYONE WHO FEELS BROKEN

I was sitting in a cafe 5 years ago and wrote this:

Everything I defined myself as, was gone. All the roles I had in life that made me feel I was a part of something disappeared after University. My life stood still.

My parents started ageing. I watched the pleasures they had in life be taken away one by one.

Having children was not for me, there was no relationship, and my career wasn’t taking off.

Who was I? A waitress? I would cringe every time someone asked me what I did for a living.

Yet I was still someone’s daughter, a sister, and an aunt. However, I was so consumed with finding love and a career, that I missed out on being a better person in those important roles, especially my role as a daughter. My mother was a punching bag for everything that went wrong in my life. She seemed invincible, but in reality she was a person with her own needs, dreams, and disappointments that she was dealing with. She was just too strong to show she needed me to. I wish I’d realized this.

I spent my thirties & forties living in the moment, because my life was passing me by. The life I wanted was out of my reach, no matter how hard I tried. No matter how many times I reinvented the path I took to find a purpose, joy or success, my life stood still.

I was a grown woman, I was supposed to have it all figured out. Unfortunately when education and drive didn’t equal success like society said it would, I got lost. My loneliness&failure created a big void in my soul. That’s when my choices became spontaneous. My decisions were all about putting pleasure into my life. I only felt alive when I travelled, or gave in to a passionate moment. Unfortunately it was a temporary fix, and mostly full of hurt.

So, here I am with a book about all those years. A book I hope leads to healing, empowerment, and putting people on a better path.

Let my past be your guide. Learn from my experiences. Be more aware of yourself, and other’s. Proceed with caution in relationships. We live in a time full of deception that destroys people. Some people need help to learn how to stand up for themselves. Women need to learn self care is not selfish.